Sam Winchester (bonnietoclyde) wrote in blindingheights,
Sam Winchester

Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Things were quiet all day long. Buffy sat awkwardly in the front seat with her knees curled up and her eyes aimed out the window. Faith was sprawled out in the backseat and her eyes were glued to the opposite window. I didn't think she'd spoken a word since we left the hotel. I didn't know what to say to her, and Buffy didn't know what to say to either one of us. I was driving the car that Dean had sworn was going to be buried with him and Faith had actual claim to now that he was gone. I really didn't think she'd fight me for it. She's stronger and faster but I have a pretty remarkable trigger finger.

Dean was in the trunk, wrapped in a tarp.

We didn't have the music on and when I told them that we needed to go to Kansas neither one of them argued with me. We'd had to burn my dad's body, only because we weren't sure what had killed him exactly, just that the yellow eyed demon was responsible for it. But I knew what killed Dean and it wasn't supernatural at all. After everything, it was just a simple bullet that took him out. That's it. Just a bullet fired from a regular gun by a regular old criminal. It wasn't right.

We had a long stretch of road ahead of us and even though we had left late morning we weren't due in Kansas until midnight. That was better anyways since it wasn't as if I could really give Dean a real funeral. It was only right that we buried him at his home though, with Mom. I kept thinking about it all on the way, I couldn't help it. Just flashes of times I'd spent with my brother. Thinking about how he had been the only one there, the only one I had for as long as I could remember. We were just boys then and the world seemed just as scary as it did now. The difference was, Dean was there and he always had my back.

I didn't say a word to Buffy or Faith as I pulled up to an empty lot out in the woods behind the house that Dean and I had grown up in. I stared at the shadowed outline for a few minutes before I killed the lights in the car. Getting out I walked around to the trunk and found a couple of shovels. Taking them out I tossed one to Buffy and grabbed one for myself. Faith hadn't even gotten out of the car yet so I didn't bother. Instead the two of us walked out a few feet and started digging a hole in silence.

Walking back to the trunk I looked at my brother for a minute and had another flash from the past. Vaguely I wondered if I would ever stop being haunted by the memory of him and I knew that I wouldn't. Swallowing hard I picked him up unsteadily, over my shoulder until I got to the hole. Dropping him heavily on the ground I looked up as Faith walked up beside me and stared down. I didn't say anything to her either, I just crouched down and rolled him into the open grave.

I thought about Mom for a second then. About Jessica. About Dad and Dean. About all of these people that died because of me. The demon had taken from me all there was to take and sometimes I wondered what I even was. I was supposed to be this great leader for the demon army. How could I be a leader when I spent my whole life looking up to my brother? Dean was the leader and I was the demon.

I'm sorry. I swallowed hard again and lowered my eyes as Buffy started to cover him with dirt.
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